There are times when I lay in bed and if I lay still enough, I feel as if I were tipping upside down head first. Not the most comfortable feeling, but it is rather interesting. A sort of combined sense of disconnectedness, and a dizziness comes along with it of course. My feet feel like they are slowly tilting toward the ceiling, and my head tilting toward the floor--my whole bed seeming to be suspended and me magically adhered to the bed so that I don't slide downward. The feeling is achieved through lack of movement, and only comes when lying flat on my back.

Since September five people in my life have died. From long time family friends to family to very close friends. I've not been able to do much about it. I have had to sit back and watch it happen and hold my breath and wait for the next one to go. The lack of control, the forced inaction, the interminal nervous waiting has all taken it's toll.

I feel disconnected and still. My brain offset by lack of movement. My body exhausted by over exertion. My emotions spinning from too much input. Nothing in the rooms of my brain to seems to be where it was last time I used it. I keep poking around in memory, hoping that at some point I've just set it down somewhere and it will just pop up. Often I feel like I've been pushed into a corner where I'm just watching and waiting. Stuck to the floor waiting for my head to come slowly turning over my feet.