Not a post for the weak hearted
Not many people have the odd relationship with their families that I do. In recent months mortalityhas been on my mind a lot. I have come to view death very differently in the last few months due to deaths of family and friends. I've never been overly fascinated with death. My beliefs gives me a certian peace and strength about some issues. Some of that may be just part of my personality, but that particular part of my personality is grounded in a strong faith in God, and thus a belief that my life after death will be much more pleasant than my life currently is. I understand that we all die at some point.
It is, of course, painful to lose someone. I've talked at some length about the process of mourning, whether it is selfish, or not, etc. In recent months, this issue has been more and more on the front of my mind. We become attached to people and reluctant to change. Every death we experience forces us to change. Because we cannot control that death, it is harder to deal with that change. Death hurts us many times before it comes to claim us. For me, that is a big part of my fear of death. Not what awaits me, but what will happen to those I leave behind. I've spent much of my life pursuing a better life for others, be it friends or family. I know that my death would hurt many people that I love. So, when I contemplate my death I ask how much it would hurt this person or that person. How would my father react? My mother?
Now....
For those of you who don't know me well I would suggest you stop reading now, and reflect of the discourse I've already given. There's plenty of food for thought there, and the rest of this post could be confusing if you don't understand, at least on some level, my life and how my mind works.
Those of you who do know me will know how difficult the last several months have been and you will also know that the difficulties are becoming fewer and farther between. Although I appreciate the break in the chaos, it's giving me time to reflect on everything philosophically and work through a few things in my brain. I'm not currently more out of sorts than normal with any of my parents at the moment. Nothing but sheer reflection has prompted this. Nor am I contemplating offing any of my parental units, no matter how much they may deserve it on a regular basis.
I wonder, sometimes, what it would be like if my parents died...I should say, if they were dead. I beleive I have a fairly good idea of how the events of death for either parent, or either step parent would affect me. However, the life after those deaths concerns me. Would my life be better, or worse? The intense reltionships I share with them often do me a great deal of harm, and sometimes very little good.
Unquestionably, my mother's death would affect me most. How would I react? My mother tries her best, as you all know to control me, and with some success. She forces her will on mine and insists that I do everything she wants. In recent years she hasn't been able to do it as much because I've learned to be more assertive. I've learned that my opinion is often just as accurate and well-informed as hers. I've frequently told her no when she wanted yes. Apparently not as much as some children do to their parents, but more often than I used to. She wants me around because I'm her safety net. I'm the one who will take care of her if something happens and she needs me. So, in all actuality, I'm less of a daughter and more of a savior. Knowing this, Would it be better for me if my mother were gone?
Sometimes, though, my mother is very much a mother. she takes care of me when I'm sick. She helps me through some very hard times. She gives me a place to be when I need to be there. In short, she is my mother and I love her very much. But, do these positives outweigh the negatives.
I was going to evaluate my relationship with my father, but my head hurts too bad and my nose is too stuffy to even try right now.
Because most of my time and energy is spent helping other people, I often neglect my own well-being. Some of that, perhaps is learned from my parents who taught me to always put others needs ahead of my own. This mentality as well as others I inherited from my parents has caused a lot of hurt in my life. Would that hurt stop were my parents not present?
Not many people have the odd relationship with their families that I do. In recent months mortalityhas been on my mind a lot. I have come to view death very differently in the last few months due to deaths of family and friends. I've never been overly fascinated with death. My beliefs gives me a certian peace and strength about some issues. Some of that may be just part of my personality, but that particular part of my personality is grounded in a strong faith in God, and thus a belief that my life after death will be much more pleasant than my life currently is. I understand that we all die at some point.
It is, of course, painful to lose someone. I've talked at some length about the process of mourning, whether it is selfish, or not, etc. In recent months, this issue has been more and more on the front of my mind. We become attached to people and reluctant to change. Every death we experience forces us to change. Because we cannot control that death, it is harder to deal with that change. Death hurts us many times before it comes to claim us. For me, that is a big part of my fear of death. Not what awaits me, but what will happen to those I leave behind. I've spent much of my life pursuing a better life for others, be it friends or family. I know that my death would hurt many people that I love. So, when I contemplate my death I ask how much it would hurt this person or that person. How would my father react? My mother?
Now....
For those of you who don't know me well I would suggest you stop reading now, and reflect of the discourse I've already given. There's plenty of food for thought there, and the rest of this post could be confusing if you don't understand, at least on some level, my life and how my mind works.
Those of you who do know me will know how difficult the last several months have been and you will also know that the difficulties are becoming fewer and farther between. Although I appreciate the break in the chaos, it's giving me time to reflect on everything philosophically and work through a few things in my brain. I'm not currently more out of sorts than normal with any of my parents at the moment. Nothing but sheer reflection has prompted this. Nor am I contemplating offing any of my parental units, no matter how much they may deserve it on a regular basis.
I wonder, sometimes, what it would be like if my parents died...I should say, if they were dead. I beleive I have a fairly good idea of how the events of death for either parent, or either step parent would affect me. However, the life after those deaths concerns me. Would my life be better, or worse? The intense reltionships I share with them often do me a great deal of harm, and sometimes very little good.
Unquestionably, my mother's death would affect me most. How would I react? My mother tries her best, as you all know to control me, and with some success. She forces her will on mine and insists that I do everything she wants. In recent years she hasn't been able to do it as much because I've learned to be more assertive. I've learned that my opinion is often just as accurate and well-informed as hers. I've frequently told her no when she wanted yes. Apparently not as much as some children do to their parents, but more often than I used to. She wants me around because I'm her safety net. I'm the one who will take care of her if something happens and she needs me. So, in all actuality, I'm less of a daughter and more of a savior. Knowing this, Would it be better for me if my mother were gone?
Sometimes, though, my mother is very much a mother. she takes care of me when I'm sick. She helps me through some very hard times. She gives me a place to be when I need to be there. In short, she is my mother and I love her very much. But, do these positives outweigh the negatives.
I was going to evaluate my relationship with my father, but my head hurts too bad and my nose is too stuffy to even try right now.
Because most of my time and energy is spent helping other people, I often neglect my own well-being. Some of that, perhaps is learned from my parents who taught me to always put others needs ahead of my own. This mentality as well as others I inherited from my parents has caused a lot of hurt in my life. Would that hurt stop were my parents not present?
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