Here's another, even though since I posted the other first, this would be the first one, and that the second, but I have a degree in english, and the ordering of things by numbers doesn't really work for me.

You know, I never wanted to be pretty.
Wanted to blend in with the scenery,
Watch the world fold around me
I didn’t smile.
I never wanted to be seen,
Heard,
Touched.
I Wanted
To feel my way through
Darkness hiding all the flawed
Smiles, and laugh.
Trudging through mired
Memories and life
Passing as the world
Around my shoulders
Falling into place with me
As a waterfall,
Or a tree.

Ok, I'm supposed to post poetry at some point, so here we go.

I'm sorry I've been a little behind lately. Lots of happenings, and things.


While being a counterfeit me
I met a counterfeit you
Living
Breathing
Touching
Seeing
And the two of us
Stood and watched the
Two of them
As a play
Curious to the end
An integral part of
Truth or a game
Walking
Talking
Pointing
Laughing
At the two of them
In the mirror
Pointing at us

I tried to go to my cousin's funeral today. I was late.

So, instead I ended up sitting in my car at the cemetery waiting for my family to finish saying goodbye and lead me to the house where we were going to be indulging in a feast in my cousin's honor.

In the meantime, I read some of the last book in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It felt a bit strange to be reading Tolkein when I was supposed to be paying my last respects.

I begin to wonder if death is becoming too commonplace. I should cry and be upset and mourn, but then I've cried and I've been upset. I've mourned, I've fallen apart, and I've done all that I should do when one loses someone close. I'm just not sure how many times I'm supposed to do it. Is it necessary to cry every time someone goes?

What happens if one day, I just sit back and say "I suppose that's the way of things?" Am I supposed to be forever in mourning?

My mother's siblings are mostly over 60, many of them are in bad physical health. I'm not going to be surprised if some of them die soon. But because I've prepared myself for this, I understand that it will hurt.... it hurt when my aunt died, but I also understand that life goes on, and people die. Because I understand that, will I be the one standing alone because I seem to not need to be comforted?

I sick. Yuck

Don't like sick

Oh, and add Death number 5 to the tally. My cousin died in a car accident night before last.

A full day of casket spray and funeral orders lies ahead of me.

The holiday is over and done. Now we start on a new one.

Christmas is always interesting to me. When my niece was alive, I bought her hordes of presents. After her death I lost a lot of interest in buying presents. I still buy them, but I don't enjoy it nearly as much.

My brother has a son now. I will buy him presents this year for the first time, really. I haven't been around him much and I'm trying to correct that. He's really a very interesting child. He's a little chubby, and a lot rowdy. His sister was active, but not really all that rowdy. She was very much a little princess. My nephew is ALL boy.

I'm not really sure what to buy for him. I've not had to buy much for boys before.