Back from New York, I am. And for the most part, not really happy about it. I don't have headaches when I'm there. I think Missouri just gives me headaches. I did manage to get some writing in, but I don't know that much of it is fit for the public eye yet. I'll wait a bit to expose those.

I will be going through some of my other work and picking and chosing some things for posting. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the writing bit for now. It's been coming fairly sporadically for the last few months. I'm sure that will all calm down some since I'm in my own space now.

At any rate, I'm off to unpack my car since I've neglected to do that since Friday when I got home.

Nice to be back!

There are times when I lay in bed and if I lay still enough, I feel as if I were tipping upside down head first. Not the most comfortable feeling, but it is rather interesting. A sort of combined sense of disconnectedness, and a dizziness comes along with it of course. My feet feel like they are slowly tilting toward the ceiling, and my head tilting toward the floor--my whole bed seeming to be suspended and me magically adhered to the bed so that I don't slide downward. The feeling is achieved through lack of movement, and only comes when lying flat on my back.

Since September five people in my life have died. From long time family friends to family to very close friends. I've not been able to do much about it. I have had to sit back and watch it happen and hold my breath and wait for the next one to go. The lack of control, the forced inaction, the interminal nervous waiting has all taken it's toll.

I feel disconnected and still. My brain offset by lack of movement. My body exhausted by over exertion. My emotions spinning from too much input. Nothing in the rooms of my brain to seems to be where it was last time I used it. I keep poking around in memory, hoping that at some point I've just set it down somewhere and it will just pop up. Often I feel like I've been pushed into a corner where I'm just watching and waiting. Stuck to the floor waiting for my head to come slowly turning over my feet.

Sometimes my brain feels like it's floating through space, or more precisely being propelled through space, complete with little floaty things going by at incredible speeds, but not really looking like they are going all that fast, as indeed they are not because I am the one moving. It's very difficult to assimilate every day life for me. Much of it doesn't make sense, and what does make sense my brain translate into terms which I can easily relate to other people.

This explains my absence of posting in the last 4 months.

Throughout a very long and difficult course of events, I became responsible for more people than I should have ever been responsible for. In essence, I traded the 60 hour work week for actual work at home as well as my 40 hours at work. Helping care for twins who were 7 months old when they got to my house and over 10 months old when they left, takes its toll on the sleeping habits.

However, I have a new apartment by myself, and am on vacation in New York. And I'm only working one job (for now). Things are looking up.