And no, I'm not on EQ2 yet. I'm having enough issues trying to convince my computer that it needs to run the original.

How do I start this?

I think in the last month I've changed more than I have in the last 2 years. Although I have grown a lot of the last few years, most of it has been preparatory in a way. There are things that I understand now... about myself, about other people... Life in general. Some of it makes complete sense, and some does not.

I know I'm not ready to hide anymore. I'm stronger. I believe in more. I believe in me more. It's difficult to obtain a belief in oneself. Most often we believe in what we are told, or what we see, but rarely to we see what is within.

Sometimes it takes a chamber of mirrors to accomplish that. Sometimes it just takes a bat.

I've been told I should take a day or two off.

I don't know. It seems like days off are highly overrated. Usually when I try to take one off, I end up cleaning the house, or doing other mundane tasks that have to be done to perpetuate my existence. I would like to have a little time off. My head hurts pretty badly and I know I'm very tired, but it doesn't seem like that's really going to happen any time soon.

But I am not supposed to work on the 6th of September...

Letting the surrealistic side of my brain wander----------

I guess there are days when it all runs together. At times, I think my brain just functions in a different universe. There is a rhyme and reason. There is purpose, direction, cohesiveness. But somehow in the greater scheme of things... Well...

I have spent most of my life torn between different worlds. Working toward a better understanding while still remaining a mystery. Focusing on what the world wants, while remaining distant enough to not be that. It's confusing, and frustrating. I wrote one time, while driving back home from Kentucky and seeing graveyards of dead cars, winterized fields all black and white... "Nothing lives. Only gears and wheels turning. Nothing breathes or sleeps."

I guess in a way, sometimes that's how I feel. Nothing really goes on with peace, or tranquility. It's machinery, metallic and cold. Dead leaves, remnants of a past spring. Life turns into blackened chaos. The crashed cars dotting the landscape reminders of a world going by.

It makes me wonder when spring will come again.

Maybe sometimes I just don't think about what has happened in relation to where I am now. In some ways I look back and wonder if I seemed as messed up as I felt. I'm sure I did, but it was all numb then. I just found the letter that Troy wrote to me before his suicide. That was hard. I also find the one he wrote to me just before that. He sounded so happy. I miss him.

I feel better. I love my job. There are other things happening that are hard, but I really haven't talked about them to many people. Seems sort of pointless to keep babbling sometimes. But all in all, it's not as hard as it was last year.

It's getting better.

I found an old one. I don't know if it will go into here the way I want it to. In some ways, the lay out is important, but not so terribly so that it cannot be foregone, and I don't know how to alter it in html to make it look the way it's supposed to look...

Picking up Peace

Upon instruction
I look back
in faith
See how far I’ve come
Study past mistakes
Wait for lessons learned
Watching carefully, I see
a life
replayed
Lonely, tired of ghosts
Of past,
of present,
of yet to come
Belonging to someone else—
Another person’s bones
And closets full of skeletons
Picking through the pieces
Paste them into shapes
Unpacking my life
Room by room
Box by box
Looking for that faith
Around corners
Down halls
In cubbyholes
Anticipating the appearance
The arrival
Of me—
Separated.

An Experiment:

I wrote...
I was surprised too.
Actually it turned out quite well; therefore, I'm sharing. It's amazing what you can learn from people who don't know you. Seeing yourself reflected through the eyes of someone who hasn't learned who you have been yet, and only sees you for who you are, can sometimes be the boost you need to become who you are going to be... And I guess that's what this is about.

I wish, sometimes I could rearrange the format of the text without getting into HTML, but oh well.


When we speak of loneliness, perhaps we should speak of possession too.
And emotional chambers of mirrors.
In a reflection of sincerity
Is it something we reach for and never attain…
The ever-elusive satisfaction of mind?
But circling back to the loneliness…
Which mind does that come from—
And stepping back into the chamber of mirrors,
Odd—usually when I’m here it’s abusive.
As I veer off again, and catch a reflection.
In my brain the mirrors are gone and the course of action clear.
I’m much more indecisive than I seem.
But at least I left the bat outside this time.
The reflection of that color of blue is a little uncanny—
And circling around again—
Hmmm…. Perhaps we shouldn’t talk about mirrors anymore.
When constructing a plan of life, one should always begin with a foundation.
I didn’t have one.
Sometimes I look a little too much for one,
Or I don’t want one at all.
As they say, people who live in glass houses…
You know
Perhaps that applies to mirrors as well,
Which I thought we were avoiding.
I don’t think this is helping much.
Perhaps I’m wrong.
I’m not sure what I need to be helped with, and maybe that’s the problem.
Why is it that everything with you is circular?
There is a theory of spiral versus vertical, or lateral.
Vertical being preferable because it is advance movement, however precarious.
Lateral being nominal, and non-advancement.
Spiral the endless twisting—
Turning for a chance to forward,
But in going forward, moving down.
Circular is a lateral spiral, I think.

Well, there's the latest... tell me what you think.