I suppose there are days when everyone feels overwhelmed. I'm having one of those weeks. I've got an extra job at work. Basically my original job can be done in about 5 hours or so a day if you spread it out and do it when you need to do it. My new job at work is about the same... That makes 10 hours AND it happens that those 5 hours each seem to be simultaneous with each other. So, that's about how that's going. They didn't want to hire someone else to do the other job, so the put it on me. I don't mind being kept busy, but I don't know what I'm doing yet, and the end of the month isn't the best time to take me out of the closing office.

I'm not trying to be neglectful. I've just got a lot going on again.
****************** Ok, on the count of THREE Is ANYONE surprised by that??*********************
Yeah, didn't think so.

Actually things are still going well. It's been a long year, but I think the difficult stuff is pretty much over. I'm doing much better. I still like my job, although there are some odd things going on with it that I'm not liking so much. But I'm enjoying it for the most part, and learning a lot about the work I'm doing.

Now, I just need to get a new motherboard so that I can play EQ again. Unfortunately, I've been too busy to really mess with it. (Repeat excercise instructed at beginning of blog.)

I'll write more later when I can find files and not feel so scattered.

A short trip into the Whirlwind

Should I breathe today?
That’s nearly so morbid a question as it sounds.
It’s not that I’m asking should I continue to live, but when every breath drawn is a picture of pain, I wonder if it is really something I should choose.
I stand spinning without movement, the surges growing stronger.
Learning without comprehension—
Understanding without knowing—
And each breath comes unbidden.

It's been a very long month. I'm going to decree the month to be over and just start on next month now even though it's only the 22nd... Just because this month has sucked.

I'm hoping it will get better, and I will reserve my decree of months end until the end of the day...

Contemplating Completeness

In the last year I've had a lot of things in my life change. I have had a lot of realizations and a lot of things have been completely different from how I thought they would end. My personal progress was recently pushed into the limelight by meeting some new people and seeing myself reflected in the mind of someone who didn't know the weakness and pain I had been in the last year.

Last night was another realization. While talking to someone I hadn't seen in months, and discussing where I am now in relation to where I was then, I realized more progress and some transferrences.

I'm much stronger now. But I still have some of the same pitfalls. I think the biggest difference is now I have boundaries. I know that I want to help people. It's such a big part of who I am, that I wouldn't be happy without it. But I have learned to set boundaries and limit what others can control in me. I've learned that my life isn't the last thing on my priority list.

Reflection is such a versatile word.

Common saying

It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you would SWEAR that everyone you work with is talking about you? Every time the bosses door closes with someone else in the office, you know that it's about you, and this time it isn't good...

I'm having one of those.

It may be silly. It may not be. But it's real.

It makes me wonder what causes things like that. Why do I feel like everyone is staring? What triggers in my brain to tell me that all of a sudden all these people who thought I was wonderful before are suddenly teaming up against me to plot my downfall...

/shrug I've never really liked conspiracy theory... I don't have the energy for it.

I've stopped writing again.

Little bits here and there are catching up... minor illnesses... major changes... different surroundings and people around. I suppose all of it adds into a weird combination that may at some point later produce profound verse, but not right now.

I've often wondered why I can't write grief. Some people can, but not me. I can't put that reality into words. Perhaps it's because the words are an escape--A time when I feel no grief, or at least less grief. Perhaps it's because the words are a truth and I'm afraid to see the truth printed. I can print the facts. I can print the events. Just don't ask me to print the emotions...

I've been trying to make my life unbusy... with limited success really. It's not easy to make things unbusy when it's a part of who you are. I think even if I didn't have a job at all, I'd find something to make myself busy. I hate to sit still and stagnate. My mother is the same way. At some point, my father said to me "your mother would feel better if she didn't have such a sedentary lifestyle." Obviously he hadn't seen my mother's house lately. My mother has a garden that is probably about 1/4 of an acre. She also has about 40 yorkies. She has built a couple of kennels for them and takes care of them all the time. She always has some project or another going... whether it's the flower gardens or the dogs, she's always busy in some way.

I'm probably going to be the same way. I can actually see myself in another 20 years with a house on a huge plot of land somewhere getting up at 6:00 every morning just to take care of the garden and the animals.

One thing I really liked about the movie Minority Report was the greenhouse. I'm sure I could have picked other things to like, but I really liked the greenhouse. The plants were neat. They were sentient and they were protective of a woman who didn't want to be found. Deadly, but beautiful at the same time, and, although they were not indestructible, once they had attacked...there was very little chance that you would get out alive. I think I would like to have a greenhouse like that, but I wouldn't know how to create the plants.

It's been a long week. Although I love my job, there are times when it's just frustrating. Real esate closings can be very stressful. It's the biggest purchase most people will every make, and it's our job to make sure that everything goes smoothly in a business where nothing really wants to go smoothly.

In addition, I sit directly across from someone who just... well... makes me nervous. He's a very uptight and controlled and snobbish sort of person. He makes me feel like I'm constantly doing things wrong, even though I know I'm not, and it makes me nervous.

Also I'm tired. Not enough sleep. Too much work. Lots of changes, etc. Sometimes, it seems like everything is going smoothly, and then all of a sudden everything turns over and I am all up in the air again...

Oh well, such is the roller coaster life of mine. Nothing really stays the same, but then I suppose that's what happens in most lives. I don't really know, but I would imagine my life couldn't be all THAT far off of what most people experience.

Then again, maybe it is.

I should wear hats...
I look very funny in them so I don't...
But you know, they are so neat, and I could correspond them with who I'm going to be that day... "This is my teacher hat." "This is my poet hat." "This is my whiny tired hat." "This is my anorexic hat." "This is my tired hat."

I wonder which I would wear the most.
Hmmm

They say the body and the emotions are all interconnected. In which case, I'm pretty much screwed all around. I've felt horrible for the last week, and now it's making me grouchy. (Ok, so I was grouchy before... hush... "It's my bubble") I'm tired, and not sleeping and just overall not in a very good temper.

I have lots going on in my mind and sometimes I wish that I could just go away and sort it all out. Unfortunately, going away would be counterproductive to sorting it all out. On the other hand, I watched the Bourne Supremacy the other day and the house that they orignally lived in seems ideal to my purposes right now.

Actually a friend at some point sent me pictures of a place at some tropical location somewhere that seems much more appealing than anything else I can think of... A hut at the end of pier with no other houses anywhere near it... many windows with lots of awnings to keep out the icky sun.

Mostly I feel the desire to just be quiet. I just don't seem to be very quiet right now.